I’m 28. I graduated from law school two years ago and passed the California bar with no interest in becoming an attorney. I got married a little over a year ago. And I spent last year living in Albuquerque, New Mexico, probably one of the last places on earth I had any interest in, so that my husband (then-fiancé) could pursue his professional dreams. Mine, you ask? I’m not sure what they are and I’ve spent the past year in a mini crisis about what on earth I’m doing with myself and where I’m headed.
I’ve never been good at change or any sort of transition. I don’t even like moving apartments within the same city. And yet I’ve moved 6 times in the past 4 years—from Berkeley to Seattle to New York City to Philadelphia to Albuquerque to San Francisco. I switched schools. I changed out boyfriends. I got engaged and got married. I embraced a new family and then lost my mother-in-law. Lots of big changes for a girl that really likes to keep things the same.
… … … … … … …
No one told me that as soon as you hit this age—this get-married, have-kids, settle-down age—that life was going to be nothing but series of changes. Get engaged, change. Get married, change. Settle down, change. Find a job (if you haven’t already), change. Have kids, big change! Create a whole new family and an entirely new life!? A scary prospect for someone like me.
As I reach this point in my life studded with change, I figured it may be valuable to take pause and do some serious reflecting—so I can appreciate the transition rather than sinking in a puddle of fear and loss (as I admittedly seem to be doing).
And frankly, it’s time to pull my shit together. It’s been two years since I graduated law school and I spend most of my waking, and for that matter, non-waking, hours worrying about what the hell I’m doing with my life. I’m lost and confused. I spend a lot of time on the couch reading memoirs of strong women (mostly 20-30 years older than me), running (a welcome release of endorphins), eating (no need to explain the pleasure in this), and analyzing every last inch of my panic until its wrapped around me like well-worn cloak of discomfort. My transition is causing an inordinate amount of heart pounding.
So here I am, trying to sort all this out. With strength and heart and the belief that wherever I’m headed, it’s the right place.